Bugs, blunts and bitchiness.

So we just tackled a 2 inch cockroach. My second of the day. Kerri sprayed it relentlessly whist I screamed directions: "keep spraying! keep spraying! keep fucking spraying it!"

We arrive at the hostel and introduced ourselves and the woman at reception says "oh you're here to work eh?" Laughs and makes a whip-cracking movement and sound. We laugh nervously (after agreeing previously there is no fucking way we are working on our first day) 

After noticing some of the notices that are up everywhere I reckon it might be quite harsh here, "stop that, don't forget this, don't do that, absolutely none of that". 

We sorted this out by emailing them on the off chance so we aren't bound or protected by a workaway contract like in San Diego (where people would smoke a spliff before starting work and be given drinks throughout their shift). 

We were given a room with a random old Brazilian man who I spoke to in Spanish who said "bonito" to every place I said we were going, which was nice. Luckily the whip cracker let us off for the day but we are to work 6 hours a day, five days a week. I'm doing morning shifts, Ken is on evenings. Day off together. 

There is a SAUSAGE dog here called "Joaquina" which is the name of the local beach. It's such a jokes dog just crawling along so low with its belly grazing the ground and it sleeps in a bed which is a soft shark so it's face pokes out the sharks mouth haha.

So I started work at 8am sharp this morning and watched them make a breakfast of tropical fruit, cheese, ham, cereal etc and then we went upstairs to check the bathroom and the whip cracker looked behind me and screamed and was like MOVE so I did and she ran back with the bug spray and started annihilating this massive cockroach which was on the wall above my head until it fell to the floor and writhed around in its white creamy death bed. 

I made a banana cake which was fun and then the whip cracker asked me if I wanted to smoke a blunt! Whaaat haha I'm good thanks.

During the first day or two we had decided they are super anal, OCD clean freaks. You have to check the bathrooms every 5 minutes to see if the light is on or the bin needs changing. 

 Last night Kerri got shown how to turn all the lights on and when I was cutting up fruit for a guest I was asked if I had washed my hands. I also got told off for talking to guests because i was supposed to be watching to see if a segment of fruit needed replacing of an extra grain of granola needed putting out (it was all absolutely fine). 

After the initial couple of days we've realized it's just one bitch, a Brazilian girl who is making it seem ridiculous, she clearly has a chip on her shoulder about something, everyone else is safe and just really proud of the cleanliness awards they have won over the years. She actually goes a little further to be a class A bitch. Kerri heard her refer to me as "the English girl" to her colleague the other day. I have bitten my tongue and simply laughed when she had a go at me for no reason. One time was when two guests  were 'making a loud noise' at 9.30am.

After she had told them off, she said to me, 

"Jenna tell your friends (what because they're English, too?) not to be loud before ten am." 

Me: " haha, it has nothing to do with me, I didn't make a sound"

Her: "yes but can you tell them (they're standing right next to us) it's very important that you are quiet during these times" 

She then went on to labour the point in front of the guests, who were massively confused. They had ran up and hugged each they in excitement after not having seen each other for a year. Chill the fuck out love, it's a hostel not a meditation centre. 

Me: "haha! It wasn't me"

 SHABBAH!

Such a constrast from ITH where they let me cook for thirty people no questions asked but here they have to watch over our shoulder as we clean the sinks, with PURE ALCOHOL, It's like using vodka to wipe a table down! (Not hangover friendly).)

We have decided to "no-rise" it. 

Ihla grande to Florionopolis

We left our hostel and went to get a boat over to the mainland. In the 5 mins we had to wait before boarding the boat I ran into the drug store and via mime, facial expressions and gesticulation was given a cream for my bites.... with Portuguese instructions. On the boat there were some English people sat in front and behind us, rich, 'gap yaaaah' type kids. I caught a glimpse of one's playlist and noticed they were enjoying a bit of Celine Dion and Ne-yo. The boat took an hour then we had to get a local bus but the two people whom I asked if they spoke English (In Portuguese) totes ignored me, so we were off to a good start haha. I had a comfort kit kat and reassessed the situation. Found the tourist information and got on a bus eventually after sitting at the bus stop watching an old Brazilian man,5 with no teeth gurn, in a really cute way. We got long distance bus number one where we were sat in front of each other but then after an hour a man in a hat and glasses (disguise) came and sat by me and he smelt the same as my best mate Will Johns (Chanel allure homme sport) which was pleasant.

After 7 hours of bumping along a never ending s-shaped road and drifting in and out of snoozes, we arrived at São Paulo bus station. We set up camp in the waiting area and I noticed my legs and ankles were really swollen. 

I told Kerri and she said maybe I should not have put the portguese cream on top of the American cream on top of the repellent. No suncream that day luckily, else I could have actually made a trifle. 

We waited four hours. It was so hot so I got the free fan we got given in Vegas out and fanned us. For dinner we decided to sample the Brazilian Subway, which was fun as we didn't know what anything was in Portuguese but as we are such chronic Subway fans we smashed it. We could have navigated our way through the question order had it been in Arabic. Kerri: " Yes 6 inch, honey oat, yes cheese, yes tomatoes, no peppers, yes onion, yes cucumber yes eat now yes meal deal crisps and a coke."

Our night bus was luxurious. Only ten people on it and fully reclining BED seats which were a touch - and a blanket. There was a single mum her one-year-old, who was so cute, next to me who was so docile the whole way. We were woken up by the driver slamming on the brakes but it was all good.

When we arrived we were so spaced out and I lost Kerri's bag tag. She had mine and I had hers to begin with cos we were so tired we thought it didn't matter. The bus drove off and left us and the baggage man outside holding Kerri's bag back while she begged me to find it quick and i scrabbled round trying to find it throwing all my creams around wondering how much I could bribe him if it came to it when he let her have it out of sympathy, probably at the state of us. Money belts are HOT accessories. In terms of adding to your overall temperature that is, not swag haha. 

We then took another local bus and finally a taxi and arrived at Submarino hostel, where they told us it was the hottest day of their year. Jokes!

Ihla Grande

A beautiful island two hours south of rio. 

We met a girl from Barcelona at our hostel in rio who wanted to come with us to Ihla grande so we booked a transfer via our hostel and were picked up in a minibus where there were 5 other Argentinian girls. Me and Ken squashed ourselves Ito the last two available seats next to a fat girl who complained about the heat the whole way and when we stopped to get food and water, only 30 mins away from our desination, she changed buses because she was so pissed off haha. We took a boat to the island which took 1.5 hours and found or hostel super easily. We noticed there were quite a few mosquitoes about and our room was tiny for a 9 bed dorm! We were sharing with 5 more Argentinian girls (all Argentinians are in search of watery places at this time of year) and a German woman called Petra who spoke with such a posh British accent. We later found out she lives in hampstead London and has roots in the weapons industry (cash cash monies). We hit up the nearest beach pronto as we were so hot from travelling and swam near the boats, saw a dead fish on the beach then fell asleep in the shade. We made friends with Petra who had made friends with a Brazilian guy called Sergio and we decided to trek 3 hours through the forest to reach one of the sickest beaches in the world. Dream team.

After an elaborate breakfast we set off, covering ourselves in suncream and bug spray in our bikinis (too hot for clothes) and trainers. Sergio asked three separate people the route (that's the rule here ask three times) and warned us about a certain poisonous snake, one of the most  poisonous in the world, and the jaguars. We had read in the guide book that if we were to meet a jaguar, we should try to appear bigger than normal and shout. Yeah good luck. We were also told to watch out for monkeys. 

We started climbing and it was literally climbing up a super steep rocky ascent for about an hour and then some downhill. The noise of an insect like a grasshopper was PIERCING and I was on the lookout for spiders. There were massive ants everywhere so we had to be really careful about where to put your hands when climbing! 

We were told we'd reach two beaches before we got to the golden nugget... We came across the first which was so gorgous and had fallen mangoes along the beach! We had a quick dip to cool down and then continued the trek. We didn't swim in the second beach because by this point we were fucked and just wanted to get there! Each time we left the beach it was a steep ascent back up into the forest. We saw a tiny, cheeky looking monkey with a hairy face perched on a branch above us haha!

It was like a postcard when we got there, crystal clear turquoise sea, so warm, white sand and trees all along the beach!

We took a boat back to the main port where our hostel was and just chilled at the hostel. I cooked beans, rice and veg for me, Ken and Noelia (the girl from barca) and we tried and failed to connect to the wifi a few times.

The next day we went to 'black sand beach' where the sand is literally black it's crazy and makes it even hotter! We were asked to a home cooked dinner by a friendly black guy called Ronaldo who kept bumping into us on the island but we kindly declined and went about getting ourselves to the boat party....

It was free caipirinhas for the first hour while we were still docked, then we set off into the sunset with everyone half cut and dancing. The boat stopped and it was time to jump in which was sooo sick! I jumped in and then some other girl jumped and her head came up right in between my legs so I thought she must wanna be friends so introduced myself and she was like I love your accent which is weird because I thought you only got that in America. She was from Argentina!

Upon climbing back into the boat you had a shot poured into your mouth haha it was super fun. Me and Noelia played on a life ring and then I got told off for jumping in again when we weren't allowed to anymore. 

The next day was shit because I woke up with 27 new bites on my legs and I could tell straight away they were different. Within a few hours they'd all swollen to about 3cm each and were really red and itching and burning like fuck. Kerri was worried about booking the transfer to florionopolis as we hadn't even able to sort it out because of the shit wifi and the last thing I wanted to do was make the journey feeling like this. It was so bad I couldn't even think straight to give her an answer and no cream or tablets were helping. I was sad and homesick and wanted some comfort, not a hot as fuck room with 8 other people with more Mosquitos flying around and no wifi! 

I went to the drug store (haha so American) and got me some painkillers. 

I considered going home in a big fat sulk. Skyped Sally, Olive and Helen and Olive was in her skeleton pyjamas and asked if I had a 'beetle in my bed'. I told her yes...haha. I was cheered up and we frantically booked our transfer because we'd left it to the last minute and the coach website was in portguese and so we had to get our amazing translator to help us again.  Got woken up in the night by my bites hurting and then it was time to go! More sad goodbyes and then first journey alone without a Spanish/portguese speaker and longest yet commenced...

Exotic Queens

So last night we went to a Samba party in a Latin bar as one of the promoters also works on the bar at our hostel so she got us cheap entry. She's called Cecelia (she actually sang the song when she introduced herself). Respect.

When we got there it reminded us of a school disco: disco lights, not many people there and Samba music that we English, who only dance at volks with the classic signature one handed, one finger point to the ceiling move, dont understand.

There was free beer until 12 though so we returned to the bar holding out our little plastic cup for a warm refill with a massive head until they ran out.

We went to the loo and discovered several large but luckily dead cockroaches on the floor, just being kicked about by stilettos then noticed that one of the toilet cubicles didn't have a door. Neither did it have any suggestion of what might have been a door or where a door could have gone. It was just a free range toilet that was there for the slightly more lairy of girls to use should they wish.

Then when we stood by the mirrored walls watching the Samba, it started. The onslaught. It begun with a simple question of eye colour...you are so beautiful what colour are your eyes blue or green? Er blue thanks. Stay here I will be back. Swiftly relocate to the other end of the room where a circle of people are dancing. Get pushed into the circle, get clapped at, get another man wanting to have a photo with us.

As it filled up it got smaller and we were hassled so much, both of us. By so many different guys and at one point there were three telling Kerri they really liked me. Ahhhh! We felt like exotic celebrities but it was too much and neither of us are even slightly interested so we went to the other end of the room to hide from our predators and dance in peace.

Then we met some real nice Argentinians and spoke to them which was pretty tough because we have been trying to adjust to Portuguese so switching back to Spanish was confusing but easy after loads of free beer and Kerri was throwing in bits of Italian.

Today we had our last day on the beach in Rio...sad times. We went to Ipanema beach and had green coconut, acai again, meat on a stick, prawns on a stick....its the perfect life!

We were sat near the police tent when suddenly all the police ran over to the shoreline and more police arrived with guns everyone was like what the fuck and then they marched off with a young boy and a man. Then later they all ran off after someone else or maybe it was the same gang of kids. Reminded me of City of God. One little kid asked me for a crisp yesterday and he was so sweet that I gave him the whole bag.

We sat and watched the sunset and had a little snooze and many swims and then when the sun finally sets, at about 7.30/8pm, everyone on the beach lets out a big cheer and a round of applause, it's cute.

Off to an island tomorrow for four days!!! Hoping there are as few mosquitoes there as there are here; I've only been bitten twice here which is amazing!!

Rio

Rio is my favourite place we've visited so far by a mile.

We are eating tropical fruits on the beach all day while people come selling us acai sorbet and ice cream. 

The best beach for the sea is ipanema because although the current is so strong that if you stand on the shore line and don't watch your footing it will drag you into its 5 ft shore dump waves, it's warm and really fun to just play with in the shallows.

The sand is too hot to walk on we literally have to hop across it. If you try to go in the sea to go for a wee you may (Ken) get taken out by a 6 ft wave (on the shoreline) that is full of jellyfish that locals in the sea are throwing onto the beach and decide against it so hop over to the lifeguard hut and then realize there are no steps so hop all the way up the ramp and then realize you have no money in your bikini for the loo so hop all the way back to the girls on the beach or wait for a whole family of Brazilian women to finish having a shower in the sink whilst you are waiting in the direct sun still hopping because the toilet attendant told you not to wait in the shade because it is in the way haha

Then a man in a red hat can pick up the jellyfish and speak in Portuguese about it but you don't have your phrase book in your bikini pocket so you nod and smile and then he puts the jelly fish on his skin and then tells you they're all dead and it's fine to swim with them. Then he takes his hat off and gives it to me and leads Kat by the hand into the sea and I don't know what to do with the hat because I want to go in the sea too so do I wear it in or is that rude so I wait until he looks and then raise the hat with a questioning face and then I go in the sea and give him his hat and we all swim then he finds a heart shaped dead jellyfish and then we leave the sea because we still can't really understand him but get the jist haha

We have seen Copacabana beach on day one, Leblon the next day, then Sao Conrado, ipanema and then back to Copacabana. Today we decided our skin deserved a break (good choice really because today it's 36 degrees) so we went to see Christ the Redeemer and the Lapa steps.

We got a bus to the bottom of the mountain on top of which Christ is perched and then got in a van which drives up a vertical ear popping mountain and then you get out and Christ is there massive and it's hotter than hot and there are a thousand tourists and the view is absolutely breathtaking.

The Lapa steps were my favourite though  because they're super vibrant and cool as fuck.

The pavements here are mosaic and there are green coconut trees growing along the boardwalk

LA to Brazil

So we got our flight from LAX at 10.30am to Atlanta no problem, 4 hours in the air and something like 1300 miles. We arrived to Arlanta airport (busiest airport in the world ;-)) and it was 6pm local time which was the first head fuck... Were we hungry? We didn't know as it was meant to only be 2.30pm! I was feeling ill and we were both shattered as we'd hardly slept at the motel due to the heat. Flight 2 from Atlanta to Rio departed at  9.56pm local time and the turbulence after one hour (going near the Bermuda Triangle!) threw our drinks all over us (red wine) and caused the cabin crew to suspend all service and everyone had to sit the fuck down immediately. I watched The Little Mermaid, for a nice distraction - totally forgot Sebastian was Jamaican! 

We spoke to a really sweet Brazilian guy next to us who is a traffic journalist in Rio operating from a helicopter and likes musicals like Billy Elliot. Ok then. 

4570 miles later we arrived in Rio and, having followed the advice on travel forums, typed up a fake itinerary and printed out a bank statement, we were all ready to be taken aside by customs police demanding our proof of onwards travel before granting us entry into Brazil. Either denying us entry, making us but an outbound flight there and then and/or fining us. We queued up for ages, Ken was in a sweat, saying nothing, and when it came to us they simply took our passports, stamped them and didn't even say hello! So good we didn't buy the £450 flight! 

We walked through the airport to find our transfer, a short fat old geezer holding a sign saying "Jina Sinclair" (Jemma, Jenny, Gina, Donna, Turner but Jina, that's a first) and I asked him his name in PortguSpanish to which he replied 'Alfred' then went off in Portuguese assuming we know more than "what's your name" (we have 'happy new year' and 'I have many beers')

He drove us like a maniac through the amazing city of Rio and we arrived at our hostel, paid him 70real and then we were told by our hostel that there was a slight problem and that we had to go to another hostel for this night only, their mistake, so we jumped back in Alfred's taxi and went to another one. 

We went out and got food and then went straight to the beach to meet Kat and Jo. We found them via old school methods (meet opposite this street on the beach whenever you can) as we have no phones and played on the beach and in the sea all day getting beers and ice cream and fresh prawns and sarongs and brought over to us from vendors.

We went back to our hostel, collapsed on the bed from exhaustion and then woke up to a tropical thunderstorm! We went out in it in our shorts and flip flops to find some dinner and it was awesome.

Leaving America

So on Sunday night we were thrown a leaving party. Christine and I both won volunteer of the week over the last two weeks so we were given $120 to spend on the party.....

Roberto was bar flairing beakers of vodka off his forehead, Anke and Cathe climbed in the bungalow window, Anke and Ken whipped their hair back and forth, Ken was trying to jump onto a spinning bar stool, we all piled onto a parked limousine outside, Christine had everyone's names drawn on her thighs, Cat had sex in the toilet, Ted was thrown into bed with a crying Christine, Kerri was swinging on the tree swing, coming in like a wrecking ball, Thiago was drinking milk, we all did the conga in and out and around the hostel, Ken blasted out "Fernando" by Abba because he was leaving, I was covered in permanent marker and paint and had a shower cap on and was made to have the most jokes hair ever. Anke walked in on an ill woman having sex and was mentally scarred for life (she had been ill for days and had even stewing in her dressing gown blowing her nose in the lounge all day) 

Kerri and I both had to work in the morning, CLEANING. The amount of bodily fluids to clean up was so rank.

I emptied a bin that was stinking, only to realize it had vomit in it. Walking away with the bin bag, my shoe slipped on what turned out to be a piece of sick underfoot and I was nearly sick myself it was so bad.

Then Kerri went to change a bed and quickly returned to the laundry room dry wretching, with a screwed up nose and a sheet held out at arms length telling me there was something seriously bad on the sheet and she wasn't sure if it was sick or poo.

Vommmm

Then the ill woman came into the bungalow and stripped naked in front of Kerri and Christine who didn't know where to look. She is NOT fit. She lays in the bed above me and belches and does other hideous things with female sanitary products that I will not even describe, in front of us.

Then I had to empty the bin in the bathroom which had a lovely used condom in it and a lot of filth and paint on the floor.

Then Kerri went to the gas station to get more booze with Fernando and he ended up befriending a hobo and was given a beer by them to shake him off.

On our last day I made everyone peanut butter and chocolate cookies and we packed and it was sad and we love everyone and two replacements arrived who everyone eyed with contempt as they are obviously not going to be as sick as us and then everyone accompanied us to the Trolley station to say goodbye which was sweet and we were touched and very nearly shed a tear.

Then we got the greyhound bus, on which there was a tramp who smelled so strongly of vinegar and had a bag made out of a green corduroy coat, for 3 hours. The greyhound bus depots always seem to be in a sketchy area. This time in the HOOD of Inglewood. After 7 weeks of American life, we are pros at dealing with hobos and friendly weirdos so acting cool, we got the bus, which was full of fat Hispanic people, through Inglewood to Long Beach Trolley station and then a final train to our Motel. 

Walking past the macdonalds which had three LAPD cars outside it with their lights flashing talking to a distressed woman we decided to come back there later for a nice bite to eat.

We're staying at Americas Best Value Holiday Inn and we have a fridge, tea and coffee stuff, double bed (hellooo) and a tv. Although we only have the weather channel so we've been watching that all night, as you would on your final night in America haha

We are super ready for Brazil. Our bags are loaded with swimwear and suncream and we are meeting two friends, Jo and Kat from Btown in Rio. 

I'm excited to see how much my bag weighs now...it feels considerably lighter as I've given away two more pairs of shoes, a coat, 5 tops, sent home a dress, three tops, a hat and some jeans.

We'll see when we board our first flight to Atlanta tomorrow! 

Rioooooo! 

 

California

Reasons to live in California:

1. The weather. We've seen rain once in four weeks. In December.
2. The beaches. Ocean beach, Pacific beach, La Jolla, Sunset Cliffs, Long beach, Venice beach, Santa Monica, Mission beach, Point Loma, Manhattan...the list goes on. Surfing is everywhere - People with all skill levels and the surf culture resonates through the people's laidback and friendly attitude.
3. The food. You can get anything. There are shit loads of Mexican restaurants which are mostly authentic as we're so close to the border, delicious and super cheap. There's Ralph's, a huge food store with numerous salad bars and hot counters and fresh sushi, which I cannot get enough of! (spicy pacific roll)
Jimbo's - the health food store, again with numerous hot and cold self service counters, that is the unique selling point, being able to design your own plate and many many free samples. The Californian oranges grown locally are the best I've ever tasted!
There is a farmer's market in ocean beach every Wednesday evening and every Saturday morning here in little Italy. Again you can sample everything. My mind was blown when I saw giant spiky black sea urchins being cut open, scooped out, dressed and served whilst they were still alive and moving on the plate - Definitely going to try that on Saturday. Yesterday I had fish ceviche, oysters and a marinated artichoke salad. Couldn't ask for more favorites in one go!
4. The low flying aeroplanes! I love them! They are so cool to watch landing. I can't even describe it just come here to the Mexican restaurant, "El Comino" here in Little Italy and see for yourself. It's breathtaking.
5. Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor. LOL.
6. Weed is legal and they have "green doctors" where you can claim medicinal marijuana with complaints ranging from HIV to sprains. Again, LOL.

News

So this week everyone's got AIDS.

It started with Fernando and then Christine and then Kerri caught it but luckily I have the immune system of a seahorse due to not smoking 50 a day, like Ken, and eating kale and rye so I am fit and well.

It's so funny how the dynamic can change so fast here. We make friends with a lot of people because unlike most hostels, the guests just hang out here like it's a house so they're here a lot like the staff. So it's hard when we have to say goodbye to people we've had meals with, done activities with and cleaned up after. Last week we said goodbye to three favourite characters...the Russian wigga who turned out to be a really intelligent doctor from Ukraine, Vicky- a south African yogic spiritual free spirit and Sasha the Russian businessman.

After you say goodbye and are reminded of the temporality of it all, you get reluctant to start again with new people and filling the void feels tiresome.

I was sat at the kitchen table on my phone and I looked up and was suddenly surrounded by loads of new Asian when I realised they were talking to me, asking if ive been to the "Gran Canny". Then Gangnam style came on to add to the sitcom.

Furthermore, I bought an iPhone for $120 from a guy in a blue Nissan in the parking lot of 'Jack in the box' - a burgerrrr joint. It's amazing but now I have two smartphones to charge! #firstworldproblems

I took everyone out for taco Tuesday last night, we had margaritas at the hostel before we came out and I learnt about rocket launchers and clusterbombs from a Vietnamese army officer serving here in SD.

I've been sunbathing - me and Anke, my 19yr old Belgian, obsessed-with-Justin-Beiber-but-also-likes-Netsky (?) roomie went and laid in the local dog park, stripped down to our bikinis, closed our eyes soaking up the heat to be awoken by a massive St. BERNARD LICKING OUR FACES.

Me and Ken had a beach day on Monday, we went to Ocean Beach (OB to us because we're local as fuck) and covered ourselves in tanning oil which turned into a sticky sandy mess haha

I went out and had a haircut last week and felt like a genuine American citizen, it was so nice to be pampered.

An Aussie guy, who, after bragging to everyone about how he's "done most of the UK, Europe and Ibiza - absolutely smashing it everywhere" told Kerri that Australians apparently fucking hate the English because of cricket. She simply informed him that she fucking hates Australians. Hahaa

Christine won volunteer of the week and has decided to put the $60 towards our leaving party next week.

Tomorrow we are going out on the yaught for a booze cruise and hopefully a bit of casual whale watching....

Incredibly the weather is still amazing here regardless of the worldwide arctic tundra!!

A day in the life: ITH San Diego

Wake up with a pumping headache or still blazed from night before in your bottom bunk which is covered in sheets around the sides for privacy and realise you have 40 mins before work. Put shorts and tshirt on again because it's 23 degrees again.

Go to a breakfast of pancakes, waffles, maple syrup, fresh coffee and boiled eggs and sit with a collection of Chinese/Russian/Belgian/German/Australian/Brazilian/Italians. Get asked where you're from and how long you're here for, where you've been and where you're going. Consider writing this information on a sign and stapling it to your face for easy reference.

Get a rooming list from reception, printed in German, showing departures and start opening doors where people are still asleep. Open the door to room 5 where a Serbian man is still asleep, his room stinks because he was sick on himself during the night...come back later.

Get told there's a new guy from England. Investigate him with Kerri. He sounds like Kevin Bridges doing his "English" accent. Try so fucking not to laugh and attempt a snapchat.

Finish work....go sit on the steps and read a book in the sun or go down to the most amazing comprehensive supermarket and get spicy pacific sushi roll for only $10.99 and some crazy health drink, like a fermented blueberry tea elixir which is so "good for you" it tastes like booze.

Return to the hostel. Cook dinner for 30 hungry hippos who are circling like hawks from the minute you preheat the oven til the time you ring the triangle to signal it's ready. Learn another phrase in Portuguese.

Get handed a bud light and start all over again.